Days Late But It’s Got Legs

My god, that link to Aaron’s play-by-play of the MMVAs was hysterical. Thanks for the link Carl! Next year he should include the behind the scenes media/music industry schleps drink-by-drink… there’s definitely a lot of content in that booze up!

A simple glance from the enclosed confines of the MuchMusic parking lot, where music industry people mingle with media and improbably dressed young women, makes the point perfectly.

As an old blues lyric put it, in a very different context, the men donít know but the little girls understand. So the men here in the parking lot, with their complimentary beer and wine and excellent snack food, watch the 12- to 16-year-olds screaming at rock stars across the divide of metal barriers, and not a few shake their heads in bemused wonderment.

But the people who run MuchMusic certainly do understand: As always (well, since Sinatra and since Elvis and The Beatles, anyway), young girls like glamour, glitz, recognizable celebrities and cute rockers. And MuchMusic obviously hits this market with the accuracy of a well-aimed dart.

As elaborately staged as the Juno Awards, this annual event draws well over 6,000 people ó by visual estimate 70 per cent of them pre-pubescent young girls ó onto a main cross-street in downtown Toronto. Thereís a red carpet, and celebrities and rock bands alike ó following Billy Talentís arrival on an army tank last year ó competed to make the most flamboyant entrance.

A crew of nine MuchMusic VJs skittered around the red carpet, the MUCH building and the four outdoor stages with their doppelgangers of sound, lighting and cameramen, interviewing celebrities and guests (and, occasionally, awestruck audience members).

The sheer scope of the event certainly overshadowed even the most outrageous personality. Even so-called ìstarsî like Paris Hilton and Tori Spelling paled into insignificance in a context of screaming fans, a 20-camera shoot, 800 blazing stage lights, omnipresent security, and a media room full of photographers and press people (the opening question was always asked by the representative of Tiger Beat).

Much attention was paid to a tall, rail-thin woman in a backless orange dress, and almost frontless too, displaying a hint of a pigeon chest and tiny breasts. She is followed by a very nice young man - several inches shorter than her - who combs her hair, applies lipstick, and powders her face. I ask whether he wipes her bottom, too, and he looks offended.

Apparently, she and a butch young man whose name I forget host a low-bedget “Canada”s Top Model” show on Much. As the Junos on CTV did with Canadian Idol, the temnptation to run pointless cross-promotions is too obvious to resist.

(Incidentally, I’m trying to persuade CTV to use Karla Homolka as the Junos host next year; she’s a bit short in the breast department, compared to Pamela Anderson, but she can’t read a teleprompter and knows nothing about Canadian music, so that qualifies her for the job, and the ratings would e amazing. When I suggested this, an agrieved CTV publicist asked whether I was being sarcastic.)

Next year the challenges at the Video Awards will be great: For the station the problem will be topping the í06 Awards for sheer crassness and bad music. For the talent wranglers the problem will be finding different multi-millionaire celebrities. For the artists, it will be finding a more outrageous method of arriving; Massari in a Lamborghini and Kardinal Offishall on a fietruck will be hard to beat.

And for the kids in the audience, it will be getting a front row position at the edge of the red carpet. Maybe Much can supply the little things with free throat lozenges….